Saturday, February 25, 2006

Trends in Stupidity

If you think the whole Muslim/Islam/Mohammed cartoon/comic craze is ridiculous, look no further than the USA for a censored education (although the United Arab Emirates or UAE do a fine job too). On the Dilbert Blog, Scott Adams (the comic's author) writes
  1. H
  2. E
  3. L
  4. L
as "h-e-double-toothpicks". In today's Get Fuzzy, the author writes it as "#€%%"

Apparently, the latest "child safe" software is out to satisfy even the dumbest parents. I'm talking about your gosh, darn Lutheran parents, too, not just the Southern Baptist variety with moms named Tammy.

This is a word that anybody can find in a standard dictionary in a library. It also gets used in 54 separate verses within the holy book of Christ licking souls everywhere.

Has anybody thought for even a half second what would happen if an artist redrew the Abu Ghraib torture photos with Jesus as the cigarette smoking soldier smiling for the camera over far less than fully clothed bodies? Then, rather than being released on some obscure Web site or tiny, punk newspaper, got printed on the op/ed pages of every capitol city's paper in America?

Granted, the thought leaves me smiling. But I'm just a shill for our Lord Bush.

Obviously, the real problem here is liberals. All those liberal Muslims against free expression. As Dick Cheney would say:
"Go Faith Under Christ Kids yourselves."

Friday, February 24, 2006

Shills Infiltration Successful

Recently, through the covert operations of a shill venture, Halliburton Shill has been added to Wikipedia, the encylopedia.

Update: Because of politics and egos at Wiki, an updated link for Halliburton Shill.

It, of course, features the man, the shill, the legend: Vice President of the United States of America, Dick Cheney and his favorite corporate investment partner

In a smaller operation performed by a sub-venture of this venture, we infiltrated the Dilbert Blog:

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Plucking the Bird Conspiracy

As the liberal news filter has reported, a good man and dedicated American was shot while hunting with our Vice President, Dick Cheney. What they haven't reported is that the actual source of the shot was the bird Dick shot at.

Dick, in an attempt to protect his close, personal friend who was out enjoying guns with him and his extra-marital female companion who's identity has not been released, shot at the bird. It was not, however, the pellets from his shotgun that hit Harry Whittington.

That's right!

Recent intelligence indicates that the damage to Whittington 's face was in fact caused by a smaller gun. In fact, it has been shown that the damage is remarkably similar to what would be experienced as a result of a bird dropping.

You heard it hear first!

Terrorist bird networks have developed high pressure release mechanisms to propel their droppings. The CIA has confirmed these bird networks have been plotting to assassinate our President and Vice President, including the lawyers that protect their legal rights and those of the corporations that support American values.

In fact, they believe that the birds have consumed nuclear waste that could be digested and used to mutilate and kill American citizens.

That's right!

They are in possession of weapons of mass destruction. It is time to send these birds a lesson. No longer can we stand back and let birds fly freely. We must immediately pursue war on the birds. Not just the quails. The pheasants and pigeons, too, and other known conspirators of radical feather extremists.

Monday, February 20, 2006

been there, swallowed that

Virtual physical relations isn't all it's pumped up to be. Computer copulating isn't working for me. I tried typing the commands you see below using a word that rhymes with buck but starts with F. As you can see, it couldn't even figure out whether to do it inside or out. I would have been happy with either.

C:\buck me in the arse
'buck' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

'yes' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

C:\buck me
'buck' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.

I think I'm switching to Linux. It's supposed to have more understanding commands. I also hear Vice President Cheney uses it to control his bunker.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Hurray for Abu Ghraib

It's not quite the same as Dick Cheney shooting a long rifle, but quality photos of N.A_K.E'D, hairy men together are very hard to get. Much less, the hairy buttocks of real men in real life as opposed to actors or models.

That's why I'm so happy. An Australian paper called the Sydney Morning Herald did a great job of providing not just those tiny little thumbnails plastered all over the Web, but large, detailed photos. I saved them all. This is a personal favorite. It includes a midget.

Because they get shrunk so much, you miss out on a lot of detail. For example, in my favorite, I focused on a part of the photo that you wouldn't otherwise notice below:

According to Microsoft Word, the soldier that had his way with the man's cheeks did not spell rapist correctly. It's still a pretty photo of underwear pulled down.

President Bush, Vice President Cheney, and war hero Donald Rumsfeld all deserve medals of honor for making this possible. They have shown holy courage in sharing our traditional values with non-Americans everywhere.
If only Fox News would dedicate itself to the truth, we could have close-up video of all this.

Here's another example where apparently they helped liberate a virgin rectum:

Salon also has some exclusive photos (and without any blacked out areas!).

Friday, February 17, 2006

Shows us Your Guns, Dick

All this talk about Vice President Cheney and his guns has made me hot for more photos of Dick with guns. I still need a 2006 Calendar. Maybe he can pose with some really big guns. There are some tanks in Iraq in need of the soft, expert touch of Dick Cheney's hands.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

I Dream of Cheney

Last night, I dreamt of Dick. Poor dick had to spend time in the intensive care unit after shooting a 78-year old quail hunter in Texas. Accidentally, of course. More importantly, Dick was not shot, though he may be hurt. Apparently, he needed some time to get in touch with his feelings. Poor Vice President Cheney. I'm here for you if your bottom needs rubbing and warming. My heart enlarged 3 sizes for you, just like that Gollum guy in Dr. Seuss. Even a useless site like ESPN reported it. Apparently, the PR office of Bush, controlled by my squeaking little piglet Karl Rove, tried to cover it up. After a local news filter reported the truth, they had to report on it with their own spin. Way to go, Karl. You've made my weekly Bush all-star list. Right after Dick, of course.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Church of the Holy Anus of Jesus

To make better use of the tax-payer funds made available for faith based organizations, I intend to launch the Church and School of the Holy Anus.

We will emphasize the importance of keeping your anus clean and well exercised to prepare for the second coming. We will also emphasize having a close group of friends, like the 12 apostles, to help you with this task. Only the gifts god has given us directly will be employed. Our tongue, fingers, and of course water.

Our goal is to also add a pre-school and independent private school by 2008. Education through humor, comics, cartoons, and deep, internal prayer will be welcomed and encouraged.

To avoid misunderstandings with our holy people (pastors) and our congregation, we will only baptize those of legal adult age in the United States of America. Children will be educated, but will not be allowed to even watch a baptism until they are adults.

Converts from outside religions that do not properly respect the importance of the anus and tongue, nor why god placed it on our bodies, will be allowed to partake in baptisms as soon as the local pastor feels they understand our gospel. Men and women are equally welcome, and can and will hold equal positions within our community. The anus was placed equally on all of god's creatures.

I want to thank Vice President Cheney who has made available faith-based education funds possible through PR President Bush.

If you would like to donate or help me with the legal and government details of founding this church, please leave a comment or email me.

I am eager to establish this true religion before we lose Cheney and bush to impeachment or election. Fortunately, we do now have a more family-oriented Supreme Court to protect us in the many years ahead with the addition of Judge Alito.

A proud member of Shills for Dick in 2008.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Hump Day

My favorite day of the week. Wednesday, aka Hump Day.

A proud member of Shills for Dick in 2008.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Update on America's Blessings

This blog is dedicated to the loving memory of grandpa Munster.
Recent news about Americans of traditional, moral values and those allies that support our war on terrorism and provide needed oil, like the Muslims of Saudi Arabia. More importantly, they watch the Super Bowl and actually take the ads as seriously as cartoons about Mohammed.
  • 1,000 Egyptian workers drown. They were on their way home from Saudi Arabia on an old ferry through the kindness of a free-market, unregulated corporation. Roughly 1,000 dead, 400 injured.
  • 88 die in Phillipines at a TV show lottery stampede. Nothing like death by being squashed. Lotter stakes were an amazing $250. Wow. Glad to see the global competition of shoe manufacturing for athletes in big football games is rewarding hard work.
  • 4th grade class pen-pal soldier dies in Iraq. A native of the Bible Belt, this Tennessee 1st Lt. enjoyed death by road-side bomb. "A 23-year-old soldier born in Lincoln [Nebraska] who dreamed of helping war orphans....", his parents said.
  • And the finisher: Grandpa Munster Dies! Please, god, oh holy jesus, say it isn't so.

Friday, February 03, 2006

More Dick Please

Maybe it's just me, but I can't stop watching the State of the Union. Dick looked so hot. When our glorious and moral President George W. Bush said Vice President Cheney, I had to get out the lubricant. Oil based, of course.

Just writing about it is making me hot. They focused on Bush so much that they didn't show nearly enough Dick. Thank god for video editors on computers.

If you haven't seen it yet, here's the actual democratic response. Very funny cartoon, even if muslims and Mohammed are not involved (Saudi Arabia is).

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

When Will God Actually Bless America?

AKA, the good, old' USA. Bush and his flag waving republican lap-dogs keep saying "god bless America". The rhetoric and propaganda spewing State of the Union being the latest example. September 11 was certainly a nice gift. Hurricane Katrina is referred to as an act of god. Are they actually blessings in disguise? LOL.

So the Dick & George presidency is actually a blessing in disguise. We're actually benefiting from their combined corruption & cluelessness. Thank god for their dedication to energy and gas prices. Core values are important. Especially oil.

Will god impeach Bush/Cheney? How about the Supreme Court? Will god bless it with people of actual courage and knowledge instead of moral sycophants like Alito? Just curious.

Enjoy your blessings & core beliefs.