Monday, September 18, 2006

Iraq Contracts - Get'm while they're HOT

I think the message is obvious to most, but just in case. That's easy money for our Halliburton divisions. Don't let the Iraqis get the easy contracts. Just because we're not digging oil wells doesn't mean we can't put our digging equipment to use. They'll have to cement those off soon, too, and we have cementing services (ElastiCem™) to offer.

Primary Election Voting Guide

Normally, you can just ignore these elections. I received a letter from one unfortunate mom, however, who lives in Massachusetts. She has to chose between a woman and a macaca for her governor.

According to studies performed by researchers at The Colbert Report, when you live in an east coast, ivy-league state like Massachusetts, you can't behave like a real American. You have to vote in Democratic party primaries.

The easiest way is usually to vote for whoever has the simplest name to pronounce. The harder it is to pronounce, the more likely that it's actually a covert terrorist. If you have extra time, you can also follow the money. The best method is to select the candidate who has received the most money from oil, gun, alcohol, and tobacco companies. The corporations know best.

If all that still results in a tie, go with whoever talks about babies and family the most. The Godless ones try to avoid the subject by talking about health and education.

Monday, September 11, 2006

America Remembers 5.0

Or Never Forget 5.0.

Or as a film, America Remembers 5 - The Zombies Return.

Either way, you'll enjoy this more than listening to President Bush and Republican politicians trying to cash in on terrorism and sadness again. Much, much, much more than listening to yet another coworker's story about what he/she/it was doing on 9/11.

Funny, shocking, and you won't cry unless you think about taxes or gas.

If you find it too small, this is the large screen version. Just use the above link if you want to check out more of his flash animations (complete with sound effects, so office workers adjust your volume).

It includes all our fearless leaders: Vice President Cheney, Iraq War Secretary Rumsfeld, and even the very hot Condi Rice. But for some reason Halliburton is left out. I guarantee you that Halliburton would have a high-rise oil well built on the World Trade Center ground by the end of the month. Just sign the contract.