Primary Election Voting Guide

Normally, you can just ignore these elections. I received a letter from one unfortunate mom, however, who lives in Massachusetts. She has to chose between a woman and a macaca for her governor.

According to studies performed by researchers at The Colbert Report, when you live in an east coast, ivy-league state like Massachusetts, you can't behave like a real American. You have to vote in Democratic party primaries.

The easiest way is usually to vote for whoever has the simplest name to pronounce. The harder it is to pronounce, the more likely that it's actually a covert terrorist. If you have extra time, you can also follow the money. The best method is to select the candidate who has received the most money from oil, gun, alcohol, and tobacco companies. The corporations know best.

If all that still results in a tie, go with whoever talks about babies and family the most. The Godless ones try to avoid the subject by talking about health and education.